A few days have gone by since the rug was ripped out from under me at my mammogram.
I've done a lot of thinking. I've done a lot of crying. I've come to a lot of shocking realizations and unexpected surprises. I would like to think it's given me a little perspective about the person I've been and the person I hope to become.
People aren't very comfortable talking about cancer, so it doesn't surprise me that hearing I have a lump in my left breast causes a lot of people to stiffen and slightly lean back. Trust me, folks, this isn't contagious leprosy. We are all equally susceptible to going through this. And nothing has been determined other than it's a lump.
What shocks me is that the people I am closest to outside my blood family don't seem to give a shit. They say they are there for me, but actions speak louder than words. There have been no words of comfort and certainly no hug of compassion. Frankly, telling me "try not to worry" is about the most condescending thing I've heard. I'm scared out of my fucking mind! You would be too, in my shoes so don't hand me any patronizing bullshit. But, you know what, THAT'S OK! Showing my fear confirms my humanity and my capability to FEEL. More than I can say for a lot of people...
The people who claim they love me and care about me (again, family excluded) obviously have more important things to do than ask me how I'm holding up or taking the time to ask if I need to talk about it. Well, I do need to talk about it and since the so called friends and loved ones that I thought I could count on to provide moral support, a shoulder, an ear, a hand to hold can't be bothered, then this blog will have to suffice. That's OK, too. Nothing like a health scare to give a person perspective about who really does give a shit about you. I definitely won't be so giving of myself in the future. Adding this to an already full plate has tapped me out.
Don't mind me....I'm just a little angry and upset at being let down yet again. I will get through that as well.
Unexpected surprises...the people I least expected to offer their hand in friendship, love and support have been people I work with. Several people at work have offered to go with me to the doctor for the next procedure so I won't have to go alone. That means more to me than words can express and I will be forever grateful for the compassion these awesome people have shown me.
I don't expect everyone I know to rally to my side. I can certainly do without false pretenses so the acquaitances who say nothing at all is fine. At least they are honest.
It's the people you thought you could trust to be there who really aren't that hurts.
To the people who have offered a genuine hand of support and compassion, I thank you. To the people who claim they love me but can't be bothered, I have nothing left to offer. I need to surround myself with optimistic and uplifting people instead of people who bring me down so I won't be interacting with negativity.
Whatever happens is meant to happen, good or bad, and I will deal with it as it comes with everything I've got, keeping my sense of humor intact and maintaining a positive outlook. I would be lying, however, if I didn't say that the waiting is the worst. The unknown is very scary. The procedures they have to treat these things scare me more than what the potential outcome could be! Why is that anyway? Why should the cure/treatment be worse? Definitely something wrong with that picture...
As I deal with the emotions related to the news, I'm sure I will do quite a bit of rambling about this, that and the other, so please bear with me as I try to sort it out.
Please...God, all I ask is that I don't have to give up my caffeine...
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